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Pathogens
on Parade
Those
of you who are regular readers of this column
are no doubt already aware that actual horticultural
content is not my strong suit. Nevertheless,
gardeners are hungry for answers. Most of the
time, they don’t even care about the questions.
For example, you can ask, "What is the capital
of Albania?" and as long as the answer is "spray
with a fungicide every 10 days," you have
lifted 97.3 percent of all gardeners (and this
number has been proven in scientific studies)
into a Nirvana-like state.
Hoping in some way
to cash in on this unnerving phenomenon, I began
searching for an area in
the horticultural realm that has remained relatively
unexplored for which
I could provide answers, regardless of whether
a single
question has ever been posed. Eureka! I found
it:
The Origins of Various Diseases, Part I
Powdery Mildew—This ubiquitous
disease was one of the very first diseases invented
by
humankind. We have the ancient Greeks to thank
for this one. Though many of the particulars
have been lost in the Olympic sweat of time,
it is thought that powdery mildew was the result
of a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong,
a theme that you will find repeats itself often
throughout the course of disease origins. It
seems that the Greeks were trying to invent granulated
mildew, which would have had a much longer shelf
life, but inexplicably, a key ingredient was
left out of the mix. Some have speculated that
ouzo somehow played a part in the miscalculation.
Regardless, Pandora’s box was now opened
(to coin a phrase), and powdery mildew became
the scourge of monarda, phlox and shower curtains
everywhere.
Galls—As
everybody knows (and if you don’t,
you’re obviously not a fan of the Gall
Channel on cable TV), a gall isn’t really
a disease, but a part of a plant that has become
distorted by the presence
of another organism. However, I list it under "diseases" because,
well, this is my column and when you have a
column you can call it whatever you darn well
please. But back
to pure scientific facts. Galls were created
when a French science experiment went not just
horribly wrong, but horribly, horribly wrong.
A fellow named Jacques, whose last name has
been lost in the creme brulee of time, was
trying
to create a new kind of nut. Go figure. As
the scientific legend goes, Jacques was attempting
to squish an acorn
into
a goober pea, using a wine press. There is
an unsubstantiated rumor that a bottle of merlot
somehow played a part in what ensued, resulting
in one of Jacques’ fingers getting caught
in the device. The results were too gruesome
to describe in a family gardening magazine.
However, the enterprising Jacques became rich,
and called
the strange growth a "Jacques." The
name didn’t stick, however, as future
generations referred to it as a "Gaul," from
the country of origin, later corrupted to "gall." Blame
the French, I say.
Aster Yellows—It’s
hard to believe that the famous fur trader
John Jacob Astor (or
Aster) could be responsible for such a pernicious
disease but, hey, I don’t make these
stories up, I just follow the tearful trail
of facts.
In 1809 Astor was on a trading expedition to
Montreal (why are the French always in the
middle of these things?). To unwind—when
not in the middle of negotiating pelt deals—he
conducted botanical experiments. This one—you
guessed it—went painfully awry. In an
attempt to make an aster leaf greener, Astor
accidentally
added far too much Yellow Dye # 3. This aster
disaster was made infinitely worse when the
leaf accidentally ended up in a pile of beaver
skins
and was shipped to New Orleans. It escaped
containment in—surprise!—the French
Quarter and the rest is history.
Tobacco Mosaic Virus—I have space for only
one more today, and needless to say, this particular
disease is the result of an experiment gone absolutely,
catastrophically wrong. Let’s see if you
can figure it out, based on the stories you’ve
read so far. Here are the elements: a small
greenhouse filled with germinating seeds, an
artsy counter-top
created from shards of pottery, a cigarette,
and a clumsy botanist with a very bad cold.
Ready? Go.
Parts II, III, IV, ad infinitum, to follow.
See how easy it is to create an entirely new
field
of scientific study? I’m going to pitch
my publisher with this book idea—as soon
as he answers my phone calls.
Mike
Nowak’s “Let’s Talk
Gardening” radio
show airs
on WGN-AM
720 from
6-7:30 p.m.
each Saturday
unless
a sporting
event is
being
aired. Find
out more
about Mike
at http://wgnradio.com/shows/gardening/index.html. |
MikeNowak